manic

Im feeling very manic right now. I just feel like this thing has ended my life, and I'll never be able to travel like I wanted to or be as active as I was, or even have a day free of nausea. I'm so miserable. I should have known I would be feeling this way...listening to joy division and new order nonstop is usually an indicator my depression will worsen, but since this I have been a complete basketcase. I felt so good this morning. It was one of those really beautiful early fall days where it's kind of chilly, but the sun is out and the wind is blowing, and it's just lovely. I took a long blistering hot shower this morning and the bathroom was so nice and sunny, and I just felt so good; and I continued to feel good until around 2p, and then I just crashed from lack of sleep. I was just done for. I took a few hours nap, got up and fed the dogs and was feeling so miserable I was just snippish to everyone. I took my herbs and went back to sleep for another hour and felt even worse when I got up, and then tonight I've already had to go to the bathroom twice; I think it's over for the most part, but I've got some cramps. I just hate this...I would give anything to not feel this way, and I don't feel like any of the doctors are really going to do anything that will help if they're even interested in helping at all. I know I have been depressed for the last 2 years, and I have growing problems with anxiety, and of course even more stress since all this started. I just don't know what to do other than not eat anything (even though I'm starving), which I guess I already have some form of anxiety enduced eating disorder since I won't eat for hours before I have to go out, if I eat at all (I do eat when I come home). I'm just on the verge of tears and I really don't know what to do anymore. Every time I go see a doctor I break down and cry out of frustration, even though I try not to. Since I've been reading those Von Vorous books I have been getting increasingly angry with that stupid GI specialist, and even a little with my family doctor now. There was a bit in 'eating for ibs' where she said people who have sensitive skin can't use certain things; it's something a dermatologist can treat, they just can't use them, and it's the same for ibs. Well I have sensitive skin and I am neurotic about what I will and will not use, but right now for me it's not even a matter of eating right, it's eating alltogether than I'm having trouble with.